Initially this diagnosis really threw me for a loop. It was just so unexpected and I couldn't really figure out how to process it. Certainly I know all the things to DO for Walker, but it doesn't make it any less sad. I absolutely believe that God provided healing and vision for Chesson, and I have that same hope for Walker. In the same breath, the future is uncertain (at least it is to me). My brain and my heart have been wrestling with hope, fear, appointments, facts, therapies, thankfulness and sadness. How does a Mama plead for a miracle and at the same time soak in all the truths of a life of visual impairment? It often feels like those two things cannot coexist in my heart. I just can't sort it out. For weeks I have been going through the motions, ticking things off my list, adjusting my schedule to have more time to work with Walker, hunkering down and leaning into my family. There has been some fear in stopping, being still, and really listening. I mean, honestly...there is a chance that I just won't be able to handle it.
Last week as I was plowing ahead I was reading my big kids a story before they went to bed. And wouldn't you know it....in that bit of stillness God spoke to me.
I read this and I remembered to Trust and Breathe.
A peaceful boat ride turned terrifying when "suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake." (Matt 8:24) The little fishing boat was no match for the enormous waves and vicious wind. The men in the boat were panicked and screamed to Jesus for help. During all this craziness Jesus was taking a nap in this very same boat. Yep, furious wind and waves and He was sleeping. (I can only imagine their frustration and confusion....I mean, really Jesus do you think now it the best time to have a rest?) So, they woke Him up to ask for a little help. Jesus spoke to the storm and right there the "wind died down and it was completely calm." (Mark 8:39)
Now I have heard, studied, and read this story numerous times. I get it. Jesus can calm a storm. The next part is what stuck out to me. I think it rung fresh and new to me, since I was reading it out of the Jesus Storybook Bible! (It's becoming clear to me that I am more like my children than I would like to admit...ha.) Jesus said to his friends, "Why were you scared? Did you forget who I am? Did you believe your fears, instead of me?" The kids Bible summed it up this way, "Jesus' friends had been so afraid, they had only seen the big waves. They had forgotten that, if Jesus was with them, then they had nothing to be afraid of. No matter how small their boat - or how big the storm." (Lloyd-Jones 242) There it was, the word afraid. It pierced me deep. I have been afraid.
As I read this (out loud...to my children), it dawned on me - I'm the storm. Maybe just maybe I've been trying to apply this to the wrong part of my situation. I keep thinking Walker's vision is the storm. But, right now it's me......me, my insides, my heart, my brain...it's all one big crazy out of control storm. He can calm that. He wants to calm that. He wants me to feel peace.
And you know what...peace washed over me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. In the coming days, months, and years I know I will wrestle with the storm over and over again. But, I also know that my God is big enough to handle it, He is a storm calmer. So what I need to do is Trust and Breathe, Trust and Breathe, Trust and Breathe......
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Lloyd-Jones, Sally. The Jesus Storybook Bible. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2007.
